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This is a question that I ask myself to this day. Why didn’t I tell someone what was going on? Why didn’t I tell someone what I was going through? Even as I sit and write this, my mind is blank. I cannot understand why I didn’t tell anyone what my home life was like.
It’s difficult to come up with a response. Honestly, I truly don’t know. I’ve tried to sit and think about possible reasons why. I’m not even sure they make sense, but these are the only reasons I can come up with.
1. It started at a very young age, so I didn’t know anything different. It was “normal” to me.
2. This was my mother. As a child, I trusted her. I had no idea she was mentally ill until I was a teenager. Even then, I really didn’t understand exactly what that even meant.
3. There was so much manipulation, there were mind games, so much back and forth, it was very confusing.
4. As I got older, it was very embarrassing. It was not something I wanted everyone to know.
These are all valid reasons as to why I wouldn’t have told anyone. They’re the only ones that make sense to me. Are these actually the reasons why I didn’t tell someone? I don’t know, and I may never know.
Why talk about it now?
Believe it or not, this is another question I have difficulty answering. I’ve been wondering the same thing for a long time now. When I hit my 30’s, I went through divorce, moving, and became a single mom of three. It was very rough for the first few years, and I went from living an hour away from my family, to being only 10 minutes away.
For whatever reason, as I was going through all of this, my past came flooding back to me. It may have been triggered by my situation at the time. It may also have been triggered by seeing my mother much more often than I had in the 8 years prior to this. She really hasn’t changed all that much. The only real difference is that I’m an adult now, and I can get away from her when I have to.
Recently, I had to move back in with my mother temporarily, which didn’t last very long. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t. What I’ve gone through in just the last few months is what really made me want to write this post. I have anger and resentment towards my mother. I also have unhealed wounds. No one else needs to waste the amount of their lives that I have living with the weight of these feelings and emotions.
I’m hoping by sharing this, it will help you realize you may be having the same feelings and emotions. If you’ve been through anything similar, please speak up. Find a counselor you like and trust. Get the help you need to deal with your emotions and make sure you heal yourself. Don’t do it for anyone else, do it for you.
I guess you’re all wondering what happened, and what I went through. I talk about some of these things in my post, What Is Having A Bipolar Mother Like. Recently though, I am more and more convinced that my mother doesn’t have Bipolar Disorder.
I believe she has a personality disorder, and misdiagnosed herself. The Psychiatrists she has seen over the years just went along with her own diagnosis. I also don’t think she’s been truly honest with them over the years regarding her behavior. Ultimately, this is her struggle, her journey, her choice to decide whether or not to pursue what’s really going on. It isn’t my burden to bear.
Either way, I have got to learn to let go of all of this. Our relationship has been toxic for too long, and I refuse to live another day allowing her to treat me this way. I also refuse to live another day with regret, anger, and things I cannot change.
The only thing I want to do now is forgive – for me, not for her. I can’t move forward in my life until I forgive, let go of the anger and resentment, and heal my wounds. This is my focus now, and I know it will take time and work. After years of living with these burdens, I’m ready to let them go. I’m ready to start living my life in a healthier and happier way. For me and for my kids, no one else.