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Alright y’all, I’ve got some things I wanna talk about. I know I’ve been a little…absent lately, as I’ve been going through some rough times. Honestly, I’ve never been lower in my entire life as I have been over the last few months. It’s been the most terrifying experience I’ve ever had. There were moments when I genuinely wasn’t sure I was going to make it through.
Major Depression Feels Like a Black Nothing
Those are the only words that come to mind when trying to accurately describe it. I’ve had some low moments in my life, but never anything quite like this. It was ugly, cold and black. The most unforgiving blanket of darkness I’d ever experienced.
I couldn’t think, couldn’t focus, I felt completely and utterly hopeless. I lost interest in everything – my blog, my daily responsibilities, even just getting dressed. A paralyzing numbness had overtaken my body.
I started isolating myself from others more and more. I avoided anything that involved human interaction. Everything was falling further and further behind, and I just did not have the will to care. I did as little as I could possibly get away with.
It was frighteningly dark, the hole I had become stuck in. It’s depth had no boundaries that I could see. Just thinking about the way it felt makes my heart race at the thought of ever going back there again. It was my own personal hell.
So many facets of my life came crashing together in harmony with each other, setting off an explosion of emotions. Basically, I was experiencing a sort of system overload. I shut almost completely down. And in the middle of this chaos, I had chosen this moment to also stop taking the meds I was on.
Major depression had set in. I began rationalizing benefits of my own death to myself. Those moments are the ones I try to avoid remembering most of all. I was terrified of my own self.
Major Depression is difficult to fight alone
I began to reach a state of panic, and started a series of self-help routines. First, I started meditating every night. Then I found several self-help books to read, and found videos on healing and retraining the brain. I learned as much as I could about things like the Law of Attraction and Positive Affirmations.
I was able to tread water with these routines, but I still had a long way to go. So I decided to start taking one of the meds I had been on again. This gave me another boost in the right direction, and I began to feel something I hadn’t felt in awhile. Hope.
Slowly, things in my life began to realign, and I was able to see some light. My favorite counselor was practicing in my area once again, and I jumped at the first appointment I could get. I knew this was not something I could fight alone. Help was something I was going to need if I was going to overcome this major depression I was in.
The day of my appointment arrived, and I was nervous but hopeful. As soon as I got there it was like we just picked back up right where we had left off. I explained the situation I’d found myself in, and how depressed I had been. Her words of encouragement were just what I needed to hear.
“We’re gonna fix this, you’re going to be ok”.
How I’ve slowly been recovering from major depression
I’ve now had three sessions with my counselor, I’m taking my meds regularly again, and I continue to meditate. I also still listen to and practice positive affirmations. I’m starting to get back into a routine again, which feels good.
I’m ready to start jumping back into blogging, and I’ve even applied for a part time job! I’m still not completely back to my old self. In some ways though, I’m a little stronger than I was before. I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve also learned just how powerful our minds can be, as well as our thoughts.
I’ve been working hard on letting go of the past, which is unchangeable. Instead, I’ve been focusing on the here and now, and setting goals for the future. Spending more time outdoors and keeping myself busy has helped a lot too. The less time I spend just sitting around, the less time I have to dwell on things I cannot change.
I have come a long way from where I was. It took a lot to fight my way out of the major depression I had found myself in. For awhile, I wasn’t sure I’d make it out, but I knew I had to do it, no matter what it took.
What I’ve learned from my fight with major depression
Honestly, I have learned so much about myself. There were moments where I truly didn’t believe I was going to be able to get out of this dark depression. I couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel for awhile. That’s when I knew I had to try harder than ever if I was going to climb out of the darkness.
I’ve learned I’m much stronger than I give myself credit for. I can handle more than I imagined I could, and still keep going. Determination and perseverance kept me moving in the right direction.
I still have moments where I start to feel down again, but I remind myself of how hard it was to overcome major depression, and that helps to keep me from slipping too far back in. Fighting major depression is not easy. It’s probably one of the most difficult things I’ve had to pull myself out of.
I’m thankful for the amazing amount of resilience I was blessed with. That’s what’s kept me alive through everything I’ve been through in my life. Without it, I would never have made it as far as I have. And if I can make it this far, I can make it the rest of the way.