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I’m not sure exactly what in the world is going on with me, but for the last two weeks I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. What is this, and why is this happening?
I’m up, I’m down…sometimes I don’t even know what I am lately. I’ve been working hard on my anxiety and depression, and I thought I was doing pretty well. Today I realize that something is just not quite right.
The worst part is, I don’t even know what is wrong! What is causing this sudden emotional roller coaster I’ve found myself on? I was doing really well, or at least I thought I was. At this point I’m honestly not sure.
I have some days where I feel overly emotional, and I’ve been grouchy and seem to have lost the patience I usually have. Other days, I feel pretty well – content and calm. I don’t think I noticed it at first, but I have suddenly become very aware of my behavior.
Is this a part of the transition? Is this emotional roller coaster ride a part of the process of healing and getting better? Why is this suddenly happening to me?
To give you a little back story, and understand my mental illness recovery, read my post on 12 things I’ve learned – depression and anxiety.
With everything I’ve learned and how far I’ve come, this all seems so ridiculous. I thought I was past this point, how is it that I’ve learned so much, yet here I am…in this weird place I don’t want to be, that I thought I was climbing out of.
The only bright side (I think) is that at least I’m aware that something isn’t right. I’ve been thinking about these questions, and while trying to find the answers, there have been some bigger questions that have popped into my mind.
I’m almost afraid to say it (or write it) out loud. My reasoning is that if I say it out loud, that makes it real, that makes it a possibility. And I do not want this to be a possibility. Yet I can’t shake the thought that this may be what’s going on. But – if I can’t be honest with myself, I can’t work through this. So here goes.
Am I purposefully sabotaging myself, and my own contentedness on this road of mental illness recovery?
Maybe I am, I’m not sure. I need to figure out the answer though, or I’ll start going backwards. And I have come too far, and fought too hard to get where I am to go back. The problem is, how do I figure out if this is what’s going on, and if it is how do I stop it?
For the love, I swear, every time I start to make forward progress, I seem to hit a roadblock. I’m tired of roadblocks.
Has anyone experienced anything like this when you start to get a better handle on your symptoms? Like, when you’re feeling better and doing well, and things are going pretty smoothly in life, and then suddenly you’re on this emotional roller coaster from hell?
Is this even normal? As I’m sitting here thinking, I’m having more thoughts pop into my head. This is what happens when I’m trying to rationalize my emotions and behavior. My ADD kicks in and goes into overdrive alongside my anxiety. My brain hurts.
I have also been going through some small, but noticeable hormone changes. I’m taking this into consideration as well, as my hormones could most definitely be a contributing factor.
All of these thoughts, feelings, emotions…I am so overwhelmed. How in the hell am I supposed to figure this out with so many freaking variables?
Finding the answers and healing during my mental illness recovery
I’m guessing this all may possibly be a part of the process of healing and getting better. Because I’ve never been here before, I’m just feeling a little lost. I want to get past whatever this is that has thrown me on this emotional roller coaster, so I can get back on track.
My biggest fear in having these feelings is reverting back to my old self and my old ways. I do not want to do that, I do not want to go backwards. I’m thankful that I am at least aware of what I’m experiencing, and hopeful that because of this, I’ll be able to resolve what’s causing it.
I’m extremely fortunate that I have a pretty good sense of self awareness. Without it, I wouldn’t even be able to question my sudden emotional ups and downs.
If you can relate to any of this, or it sounds familiar or anything similar to something you’ve experienced when working on your symptoms, any thoughts or advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated!
This whole “feeling content” thing is new to me, and I have to admit that in this moment, I have no idea what to do next.
I need a vacation…or at least maybe some Calgon?