My Honest Thoughts

My Emotional Roller Coaster Of Mental Illness Recovery

emotional roller coaster
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Help! I’m stuck on an emotional roller coaster, and I can’t get off!

I’m not sure exactly what in the world is going on with me, but for the last two weeks I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell. What is this, and why is this happening?

I’m up, I’m down…sometimes I don’t even know what I am lately. I’ve been working hard on my anxiety and depression, and I thought I was doing pretty well. Today I realize that something is just not quite right.

The worst part is, I don’t even know what is wrong! What is causing this sudden emotional roller coaster I’ve found myself on? I was doing really well, or at least I thought I was. At this point I’m honestly not sure.

emotional roller coaster

I have some days where I feel overly emotional, and I’ve been grouchy and seem to have lost the patience I usually have. Other days, I feel pretty well – content and calm. I don’t think I noticed it at first, but I have suddenly become very aware of my behavior.

Is this a part of the transition? Is this emotional roller coaster ride a part of the process of healing and getting better? Why is this suddenly happening to me?

To give you a little back story, and understand the journey I’ve been on, I talk about it in my post on 12 things I’ve learned – depression and anxiety.

With everything I’ve learned and how far I’ve come, this all seems so ridiculous. I thought I was past this point, how is it that I’ve learned so much, yet here I am…in this weird place I don’t want to be, that I thought I was climbing out of.


The only bright side (I think) is that at least I’m aware that something isn’t right. I’ve been thinking about these questions, and while trying to find the answers, there have been some bigger questions that have popped into my mind.

I’m almost afraid to say it (or write it) out loud. My reasoning is that if I say it out loud, that makes it real, that makes it a possibility. And I do not want this to be a possibility. Yet I can’t shake the thought that this may be what’s going on. But – if I can’t be honest with myself, I can’t work through this. So here goes.

Am I purposefully sabotaging myself, and my own contentedness?

Maybe I am, I’m not sure. I need to figure out the answer though, or I’ll start going backwards. And I have come too far, and fought too hard to get where I am to go back. The problem is, how do I figure out if this is what’s going on, and if it is how do I stop it?

emotional roller coaster

For the love, I swear, every time I start to make forward progress, I seem to hit a roadblock. I’m tired of roadblocks.

Has anyone experienced anything like this when you start to get a better handle on your symptoms? Like, when you’re feeling better and doing well, and things are going pretty smoothly in life, and then suddenly you’re on this emotional roller coaster from hell?

Is this even normal? As I’m sitting here thinking, I’m having more thoughts pop into my head. This is what happens when I’m trying to rationalize my emotions and behavior. My ADD kicks in and goes into overdrive alongside my anxiety. My brain hurts.

I have also been going through some small, but noticable hormone changes. I’m taking this into consideration as well, as my hormones could most definitely be a contributing factor.

All of these thoughts, feelings, emotions…I am so overwhelmed. How in the hell am I supposed to figure this out with so many freaking variables?

Finding the answers

I’m guessing this all may possibly be a part of the process of healing and getting better. Because I’ve never been here before, I’m just feeling a little lost. I want to get past whatever this is that has thrown me on this emotional roller coaster, so I can get back on track.

My biggest fear in having these feelings is reverting back to my old self and my old ways. I do not want to do that, I do not want to go backwards. I’m thankful that I am at least aware of what I’m experiencing, and hopeful that because of this, I’ll be able to resolve what’s causing it.

I’m extremely fortunate that I have a pretty good sense of self awareness. Without it, I wouldn’t even be able to question my sudden emotional ups and downs.

If any of this is relatable, familiar or anything similar to something you’ve experienced when working on your symptoms, any thoughts or advice you have to offer would be greatly appreciated!

This whole “feeling content” thing is new to me, and I have to admit that in this moment, I have no idea what to do next.

I need a vacation…or at least maybe some Calgon?

~ Jess

emotional roller coaster

 

 

 


2 thoughts on “My Emotional Roller Coaster Of Mental Illness Recovery

  1. I admire your honesty and awareness. I went though Postpartum Depression after my now 3 year old was born. Around 8 months after I went on Zoloft and it’s helped but I’m the same exact way. I also am ADHD along with anxiety that I had since my teenage years. I myself am just realizing my patters, one week I’m content and productive others I’m irritated, short patience’s and feel as if I’m just not cut out for mom life. ❤️

    1. Thank you! It was hard at first, but I keep going, because I want others who struggle to know they are not alone. I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, and ADD since I was 12. As I became an adult, I also found out I have narcolepsy, which just adds to feeling exhausted all the time, and ironically, insomnia. You sound just like me! I thought the same thing, that maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mom, but I am thankful for my kids, as they are what’s always kept me going. I continue to fight and improve myself not only for me, but for them! I know it’s tough, but you can do it! And it will get better! <3

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