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This is the shit I’m tired of about myself
Ever since I’ve begun to understand things more clearly, I’ve become more and more tired of my own shit. I’m pretty pissed actually. Because I realize that I am the only one holding myself back in life. Can any of you relate to that?
Choices. All of it comes down to the choices we either consciously or unconsciously make on an everyday basis. The reason I’m tired of my own shit is because I actually understand the concept now, because I’m suddenly more aware of its power. What I choose to give power to is what will be in my life. If I make better choices, I will be rewarded in life.
This has been my current belief system and choice pattern for my entire life:
- Constantly trying to make everyone in my life happy, believing this will ultimately make me happy
- Always feeling obligated to do what everyone else wants me to do.
- Not wanting to disappoint or let anyone down, or hurt anyone’s feelings.
- Putting everyone else’s wants and needs first, and neglecting my own.
- Never stopping to take the time to do for myself, take care of myself, appreciate myself.
- Allowing fear of the unknown to keep me from making changes
- Letting guilt control my thoughts and actions
- Being afraid to make the wrong decision, so I either make no decision, or turn to others for help, instead of trusting myself
- Putting things off and making excuses
- Using blame displacement, instead of taking personal responsibility
Why am I doing this to myself?
I’m running myself into the ground for everyone in my life. I am so busy trying to keep everyone else happy with me, and I never stop to make time to take care of myself. The most I do for myself is shower and put on some lotion. It’s ridiculous.
Is it starting to make sense? I’m tired of my shit because I’m angry for not choosing myself. It is so frustrating and upsetting and honestly even terrifying to realize I’m creating my own suffering because I never choose myself. It’s the reason I feel like shit most of the time, and it’s the reason I temporarily lost my mind not that long ago.
I have to be willing to do the work
What I mean by this is I understand now that if I want my life to start changing for the better, I have to make better choices. I have to start by choosing myself first. This means taking the time to stop and take care of myself. These are all the little things I need to be doing for myself:
- Learn and take time to “just be“
- Letting go of guilt while learning to say no to others sometimes
- Practice self care – make time to take care of myself
- Stop trying to take on more than I know I can handle
- Be kind to myself, love myself more
- Work on having patience with myself and my progress
- Believe in myself, trust myself and my inner guidance
- Let go of my fear of the unknown, and instead embrace it
- Know that I can do this, and all I have to do is start making the right choices
In order to start implementing these new habits and beliefs, I have to work at it. This means slowing down and becoming more aware of my well being, both mentally and physically. It also means I need to take more responsibility for my life and its direction.
How can anything change and get better if I avoid doing the very things that will make that happen? It can’t, it’s impossible. It reminds me of the quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I am the only one who can change my life
I create my own reality with my choices and beliefs. If I don’t like things in my life, I have to stop making excuses and own my shit. The only one responsible for how good my life becomes is me. And if I don’t step up, I’m going to stay stuck right where I am.
It is not as easy as it sounds, this whole “changing your life for the better” thing. For me, it’s been a shit ton of work. Sometimes I go backwards, and have to start over. Honestly it’s terrifying, I’m scared to death because I don’t know what it’s going to feel like. What if I fail, what if I make mistakes, or fall back into my old habits?
There are times where I feel so exhausted and overwhelmed by it all. I’ve had to learn how to heal from the trauma caused by circumstances that were beyond my control. And in the middle of healing, I’ve had to quickly learn how to be a responsible adult. I have pushed myself well beyond the limits I thought I had already.
Recognizing that I’ve been able to handle so much more than I thought I could has been eye opening for me. This doesn’t mean my life is going to magically change overnight, even with putting in the work. What it does mean, is by letting go of my fears and trusting myself, I can make better choices. By making these better choices, I will begin making progress towards reaching my goals.
Becoming tired of my own shit is just another stepping stone towards shifting my life into a better, healthier and more abundant reality.
But I have to be willing to do the work.
And finally, for once in my life, I find myself standing on the edge of the cliff, pushing myself to have enough faith in myself to just jump already. Change is scary, but staying stuck in the same place is absolutely maddening. I’m ready to break the cycle I’ve been stuck in my entire life.
It’s the most terrifying roller coaster of emotions I’ve ever found myself on.