I’m feeling the winds of change, and I’m nervous
Am I the only one that is nervous about feeling the winds of change in my life? Is this normal? I suppose that facing anything new can be intimidating.
I’ve been going through some changes over the last year, and especially in the last few months, and I have to be honest – it’s kind of scary. So much has changed for me in such a short amount of time, and I don’t even know that I’ve had time to let it all sink in.
As a person, I feel that I’ve grown so much in the last year. I’ve learned some hard truths about myself, as well as my family. I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my life. I’m in a pretty good place right now. But at the same time, I feel a little unsure. This place I’m in feels so unfamiliar to me.
So then why do I also feel so nervous?
I’m experiencing emotions and feelings I’ve never had before. It’s both exciting and frightening all at the same time. I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around why these changes have me feeling so…scared. The only answer I can come up with is that it’s just so new. This is such a different feeling.
The one and only thing I’ve always ever wanted was just to feel some peace in my life. I’m almost afraid to say it, because I’m afraid it will be taken away from me…but I am finally feeling peace, for the first time in my life. I think that’s the answer to why feeling the winds of change in my life are making me feel so nervous.
I’m afraid I’m going to lose this newfound feeling of contentedness. I have always wondered what it felt like, and after searching for it for most of my life, I found it! It’s the most amazing feeling, it’s so light, so freeing.
“Being challenged in life is inevitable; being defeated is optional.” – Roger Crawford
Making peace to feel peace
How did I get to this place of peace and contentedness? I had to make peace with some things, and lay them to rest. Especially my past, and the things I had been through. I had to understand that without these experiences, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. And if I’m honest with myself, I like who I am.
I had to make peace with my brother. I know now that he is who he is. He is a sociopath. Because of this, he has treated everyone in his life terribly. There are so many people he’s hurt, including me. But I know now that this is not my fault, and not my burden to carry. It’s his to carry. And it’s ok that I choose not to have him in my life, because he is unhealthy for me.
I also had to make peace with my mom. I have learned a lot more about bipolar disorder, and in doing so, I’ve learned a lot more about my mom. I understand more about why she is the way she is, and why she sometimes does the things she does. It’s not because of me, it’s not my fault. And it it also not my burden to carry.
We have had an unhealthy relationship, and I have now learned how to stop it. There has to be limited interaction, and the understanding on both sides that this works best for both of us. We are still working on finding a good balance, but we are heading in the right direction.
I also had to make peace with myself.
This has been the most important. I’ve had to forgive myself for beating myself up over things that were beyond my control. Once I realized that I was carrying the burdens of others – and learned to let go of them – I understood that these were not mine to carry. And none of the things I went through because of these people were my fault.
It took some time, but once I was able to let go of these things, it truly was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. One that I had been carrying for most of my life. I did so because I was made to feel that I should. I have since learned that this was wrong, I am not responsible for the choices and behaviors of others, I am only responsible for my own.
I think the reason that feeling the winds of change is so scary right now, is because it’s just such a new feeling for me. Change can be that way sometimes, but I believe this time, it’s a good thing. I still have my moments, and I may always have them, but if I am having more good days than bad, I’m ok with that.
I’m taking these new feelings one day at a time, remembering to stop and breathe when I need to. Being mindful of my thoughts has truly helped me in so many ways on this journey. I will not go back to where I was. I refuse to go back. I have fought so hard to make it this far, and I am determined to continue to look forward.
I don’t want to ever look back again.